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Archive for 2009
Dec
31
2010
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2010 is going to be a year for new things. I am refocusing and looking at the things that are truly important to me. It is also a year for me. I have spent so much time over the last few years concentrating on other people that I have decided that it’s time to think about me. It will start immediately and the two biggest things that will be included in this year are travel and a change of scenery. They may seem the same but the change of scenery will be related to a physical move of my home. I’m not sure where to yet, I guess that will depend on the opportunities but at present there are a couple of possibilities.
The two possibilities are Brisbane and Melbourne. That obviously could all change as you can never anticipate what can happen but that is the current plan. I would like to stay in my industry but again that depends on the possibilities. For all I know a great opportunity may pop up where I am but we will see.
The other possibility that has reared it’s head are some business opportunities. I am always careful when it comes to these because you have to be. However there are multiple opportunities here which may lead to living locations being insignificant. But again only time will tell.
So stay tuned because 2010 is going to be interesting to say the least. I remain positive about the future and see exciting things.
Dec
31
Christmas and 2009
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I am one of those people that love Christmas. I know, most people think that I am crazy but I love it. This year has been a very different Christmas for me but never the less a great one.
I am not going to go into the details of how I spent Christmas but rather just let you know what it has meant. This year has been one of the most difficult to date. 2009 is not a year I will be sorry to see go. The year was full of events that I don’t think anyone should have to experience even though I’m sure everyone does. I had emotional trials with malicious people stirring the pot as well as other drama. However the biggest event was my relationship breakdown.
Now although I am moving on quite nicely it did take it’s toll particularly since it left so many questions. Now I can accept that in the end he was screwed up and there is no understanding, however it didn’t help me at all. Now I am fine and have recovered with an amazing sense of self and although disappointed at losing him from my life totally have learned to live with it.
My new life has brought with it an amazing group of people and experiences that I think most people would be envious of. The thing is I have had a huge amount of self discovery to get through and I felt that to tie up the loose ends this year I needed to make Christmas something that was completely different. Not new or reminiscent of the past but more like a bridging Christmas. A chance to do something that was completely out of the normal for me. So I did and it was refreshing and amazing. I feel like I am ready to start 2010 with a new life and complete some of my plans. I have no doubt that it will be a big year and I will talk more about that in a post in the New Year so stay tuned for that.
One last thing. To those that are a part of my life, thank you for being there. Thank you for allowing me into your world.
Dec
20
My Bubble
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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about who I am and the importance of things in my life. It’s not been a good year in 2009 although I remain positive and truly believe that we have good years and bad years. This year has seen a massive change in how I view the world. I have seen people come and go from my life and in particular some amazing people come into my life. However with new dynamics comes a need to re-evaluate how I think and grow in the future.
The thing is, I am not someone who can have dozens of people inside my Bubble. Mainly because it will just send me mental. I have a very particular personality type and therefore am only great at intimate relationships. Too many people and my anxiety will go through the roof. The other part of it is that when I allow someone into my Bubble I take it very seriously. They become someone who means everything to me and I want to be able to give them as much of myself as possible because in my mind they deserve that. I guess that’s why I stick to people I consider low maintenance as much as possible. Remember however that low maintenance is subjective. Those I consider low maintenance others would consider high maintenance and the other way around. For example, I am a very affectionate person so I find affectionate people low maintenance although someone who isn’t affectionate may find me high maintenance.
So to continue, I am at a point at the moment where I am struggling with the mix of people in my Bubble. I know that I will work it out over time but at this point in time I am finding it difficult to balance the situation. I have great people around me but there are some that are on the verge of being removed. It’s not to say they are not great people but they just don’t fit into my life. I feel they drain me of the energy that I believe should be given to myself and those that I deeply care about.
I guess I just have to work through it and make some tough decisions in the coming weeks. I will be as gentle as possible. These may seem like horrible decisions and they are. I spend so much time thinking of others that sometimes I have to think of what I need. Now is one of those times. My Bubble is very important to me because it can have a huge impact on my own life as well as those that deserve my energy. I don’t make these decisions lightly but ultimately they have to be made.
Dec
14
Thou Shalt Not
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One of the things I have a strong belief in is living a life where I can look back and say I am not ashamed of the things in my past. For the most part I have done that. There are some things I am not proud of but I guess I can make mistakes from time to time. I am generally very fortunate as I have a lot of beautiful people in my life and a smaller group of people who my love for is so strong it can be physically painful.
One of those people I love dearly has recently gone through some struggles emotionally that in part are due to me. Not something I necessarily have done in this instance but his own feelings towards me. Now I know that dealing with emotional issues of the past is each person’s journey but I can’t help but feel responsible. Well I guess I really am, but it is still difficult because in many ways I understand those feelings on many levels. I guess the hardest part is that I do believe that I understand him better than anyone. That’s a big statement because there are persons in his life he is closer to physically and emotionally but there is and has always been a connection or understanding between us.
The purpose of this short post is simply that I do feel bad that I have played a part in the emotions that he experiences but on the other side I know they are in part positive feelings and like to believe that I am blessed to have been able to have an impact on someones life, at least the positive side. At the time I screwed up but I can never take those things back. I can only apologise and hope that I left a positive mark. I know that I am a good person and I realise that more and more every day. One thing I have learned is that no one is perfect but we can do our best to live a good life and even though we all make mistakes if you stay honest to others and to ourselves, things will always work out in the end.
Dec
07
Perfect Partner
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I had an amazing experience this week. Some may see it as an ego thing and I’ll apologise now if it sounds that way because it’s not. This conversation or experience was more of a helping hand or compliment. At the moment I am going through a busy time, which includes trying to focus my personal life and to be honest it’s great but not focused and not sustainable.
But this week I had a conversation with an ex of mine from some time ago. This is someone who had left on bad terms in a very similar way to the last one albeit not as cruel.
Anyway, he contacted me because he wanted to share an apology and some thoughts. Not being a great writer I probably won’t be able to describe this well but basically, he told me that he was sorry for the way things that ended and said how he realised that he was extremely fucked up at the time and had come to the realisation that I was the perfect partner. Things were not always easy but they were real and there was plenty of love. However he said that in the time since we had been together he had relationships that he thought were great but in the end no one treated him as well as I did and although he knew I would never want to go back he felt that he owed me the truth.
To begin with I’m not in any way the perfect partner but what I am is an honest partner. I am willing to go through good and bad and stick with the relationship. I am definitely trustworthy and believe in doing my best to create a safe relationship. I am loving and affectionate. I am willing to do whatever it takes to work on a relationship. The thing I often find is that I just do my best to be a good person and a good partner. It was also nice to hear him say that any issues or distrust that was in our relationship was caused by his own bullshit at the time. I have pondered this one many a time and know that there was issues around trust but it really did come or start from things he said or did. There is no blame but in some way I guess it makes me realise I wasn’t completely insane when questioning myself lol.
Now I have heard people compliment this part of me a lot and it makes me wonder if it is that rare. I mean let’s face it, my own track record is not perfect when it comes to relationships although I have to admit that I’m not usually the one who ends a relationship probably because I believe in working on things and not running away. But although I have never considered myself anything special when it comes to relationships I know that I am a good person and even from my own experience I know that it’s not common.
Anyway, it is nice to know that there are some out there who if nothing else really do understand me. Even though I may not be perfect I do my best to live a good life and treat my partners in a way that is honest, trustworthy and good. It’s just nice to know that I am having a lasting effect on people. I really hope that I can continue to lead a good life and be a good partner in the future.
